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  • 7 References
  • Fluent in English; learning French, Portuguese, Spanish
  • 52, Male
  • Member since 2011
  • Engineer
  • Overly, life, mistakes
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About Me


Lose the weight I added while my right foot was injured.

Get a job in VA so that I can live in my own home and be with my family.


Nov. 21st, 2017

Well, my wife was cruel to me tonight. She got mad at me and said I didn't live in our own home. I didn't let her see how hurt I felt. For a time I found myself thinking about the nice conversations my dear friend and I used to have. It's my solace for when my wife is cruel to me. I just hope that some day my dear friend will allow me to tell her how much her kindness meant and still means to me.

On a different note, I had a very nice interview. The job isn't fancy, and nor is the job title. But it is home. I also have a small consulting gig. I think that between the 2 of them there will be enough cash to pay my bills, and more importantly, I'll be home.

The local job is at a factory that makes margarine. The pay is ok. Not great. But if I'm careful with my money and get some side gigs I should be able to make ends meet. And just as importantly, live a normal life. I'm tired of being a gypsy.

I still pray for the welfare of my dear friend. It is something active that I can do for her well being. And then leave it to a higher power to help her where I am unable to.

I may call soon. I have some professional questions to ask. It concerns acid waste and abatement sort of things. I may also make a trip down to inspect the building. It concerns a gig I am working on building a small industrial cleanroom. I have some questions that I don't have the answers to that I need answering. I'll let you know.

Take care and God Bless.

Nov. 20th, 2017

Well, I made it back to Virginia in 1 piece. The last leg of the flight was on a puddle jumper so small that my backpack would neither fit in the overhead compartment nor under my seat.

My guess is my gig in MN is over. I'm ok with that. It's too flippin cold there. Just walking outside made my left calf tighten up. I have no desire for more injuries.

I have an interview in Richmond tomorrow afternoon. It's for a weekend blue collar sort of job. It has the 2 redeeming features of being in Richmond as well as being in an industry outside of semiconductors. Those 2 features are a huge plus as far as I'm concerned. Just as importantly, I have no desire for the roof over my head to be due to receiving unemployment. I have no desire to be on the dole. I can make more money doing that over the weekend than I can with unemployment, so that is good as far as I am concerned. I have my consulting gig in PA which I suppose I'll start the week after Thanksgiving. That will be good as well.

On a different note, Sunday was the 7th anniversary of my dear friend deciding that I was a horrible person because I tried to say thank you to her for being kind to me on many occasions, but in particular for inviting me to exercise with her. My attempt to express my gratitude was a cup of tea. I was very cognizant that she was a subordinate, even if not a direct report. Still, I was very touched that she had asked me to exercise with her. It really meant a lot to me, as it had been decades since anyone had done that to me. I suppose to her it didn't mean to much. But to me it felt like a priceless gift. I think a lot of our meltdown revolved around the fact that she was a young, nice, pretty girl who probably had many guys asking her out, and I was a married man in my 40s who nobody asked out who had a wife who was less than warm. To her I was probably just a commodity. To me, she was priceless. I believe that we probably valued each other differently. For a few days I felt like the richest man on the planet.

When she had her negative reaction to me at first I thought it was probably she was just grouchy from having to stay up late working on a school assignment. I didn't think twice about it. I figured a good night's sleep and she would be herself again. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I hadn't done anything wrong. I thought she had done something very nice to and for me. I was deeply touched.

2 days later at the Rt 66 5k as part of the marathon when I thought we were 2 friends who were hanging out and just having a good time together she ditched me without saying goodbye. I didn't know what to think of it. The next day at work she refused to talk to me or to say hello. I thought that perhaps I had committed some faux pas and apologized. She didn't accept my apology.

A week later I tried again, and upped the ante by offering a peace offering by offering to treat her to lunch. Again she refused to accept my apology.

I tried a couple of other times, getting the same response. I finally sent her an email demanding an explanation as to why she wasn't talking to me, and I told her that I thought that she was treating me as if I had done something horrible to her. I added that had I done so that she would be within her rights to file charges against me, and then added that I had done nothing wrong. I then demanded an explanation.

I got a bland that she didn't think that co-workers should be involved with each other. Her body language didn't match her words. That aroused my curiosity. I suppose I should have let it go, but I didn't. Shortly after the new year she unfriended me. I sent her a note saying I was sorry about anything I had done to upset her. She responded by blocking me.

She shall we say hit a pain that I suppose many have buried in their hearts. Mine is that in my 20s my wife rejected me over the phone when my dad was mortally ill. Being rejected in what to me felt like a cold manner was very painful.

About a week or so later I got her something that she had asked me to get for her, a flash drive. I personalized it and had her name engraved on it. I reminded her she had asked me to get it for her. I believe that I had made it clear that I got it as a peace offering. She accepted the gift. She orally thanked me, and wrote me a thank you note as well. She then got worse than before.

That got me attention, as the juxtaposition of the actions didn't jive. I started to suspect that something serious was wrong, and was starting to wonder if perhaps somebody had done something horrible to her. But I didn't know how to ask. I couldn't even get her to say good morning to me.

So I asked her if we could talk. She finally stopped by late in the afternoon the day before the blizzard. I was very distracted by having to prepare the building to be shut down for the blizzard. She stopped by my office, and asked what I wanted. I started off telling her that I really felt bad that she and I weren't talking to each other, and asked what we could do to change that. She snapped at me and walked off. I stewed for a moment, tracked her down, and asked her why she was ostracizing me. Her response was that I wasn't her friend, I wasn't her colleague, but that I was merely someone she worked with. I changed the subject in an attempt to end things peacefully. I still had my sensor on from when I had run my first half marathon 2 day earlier. I showed her the sensor to change the subject to something that I thought was a peaceful and neutral subject. She responded by insulting my running. 3 days later I sent her a note suggesting we meet to try and make peace with each other. She spurned my attempt at peace. That's as far as I intend to go. I may not run well anymore, but about the only worse insult she could have hurled at me is to insult my Mom. I offered her opportunities to at least say something nice. She never did.

I guess switching from asking me to go on vacation with her, complimenting me, encouraging me, an asking to exercise together to overnight deciding I was a horrible person left me bewildered.

When I finally realized what was wrong I've been offering to apologize to her. Her response has been to assume the worst of me and treating me like the worst jerk on the planet. I've been left heart broken when I get rejected when I tried to say thank you for what I perceived was kindness. I am 100% positive what I did was correct. It was interpreted differently.

I suspect that maybe I was played. I also suspect that my dear friend was being honest with me when she said that something bad happened to her, and that she has trouble trusting guys. I don't know which is the truth. Anyway, the heartbreak still hasn't gone away.

I can accept that there is probably some extenuating circumstance that is preventing my dear from accepting my apology. I suspect it has something to do with when she said to me that something bad happened to her. I believe that it destroyed her ability to trust men. No matter how nice the man may be, no matter how harmless, she was, is and probably will continue to be wary of men. That is very saddening for me. She was so nice to me. She spent almost a year trying to get me to like her. And when I did she spurned me. I suspect the "something bad" has everything to do with what happened. It didn't help that idiot here was a klutz.

I will content myself with praying for her well being. It's not what I really want of course. But praying for someone's well being is a good, positive thing to do. Appealing to a higher power to take care of what I cannot is at least taking action that won't upset someone who I am positive is a wonderful person, and at least it's not siting still and doing nothing. I would gladly run to her rescue if she would let me. I will content myself with praying for her well being. It may not be taking action as I would truly like to do, but it least it is doing something that won't disturb her.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 17th, 2017

My consulting gig is over. The main issue is that the equipment is beat up and there isn't enough manpower. I suppose I could have dragged it out more, but I want to go home.

I'm going to Delaware for Thanksgiving. It will be good to spend time with relatives.

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Nov. 16th, 2017

I had a really nice experience today. Where I am a consultant I ran into someone who I had made a connection with recently on linked in. I introduced myself, and she remembered me. It was really nice, and she treated me like I was an old friend. It was really a good experience.

This consulting gig thing is odd. Right now I'm not doing any consulting. The last 2 days I was a gofor in the factory. I just smile and realize I'm getting paid either way.

Off to dinner. I'm sure there is something good at Mall of America!

Take care and God Bless!!!

Nov. 15th, 2017

Well, I see I was misled concerning the engineers here where I am a consultant. They may be young, but they are very sharp. I'm very impressed. They are good kids. They are just overwhelmed by bad machinery, not to mention the lack of standardization in the equipment. What I'm doing here is basically a drive-by. That's kind of unproductive. But, it does get me some cash, which is good for me.

I'll be going back home this weekend. That's good. It'll be good to spend some time with my wife. And spending time with family over Thanksgiving will be good.

Hopefully I can find a full time job at home. I've been away far too long. When I left my wife's hair was mostly black. Now it's mostly grey. I don't care that she's gone grey. I care that I wasn't with her as she went grey. To me it represents time being apart. It makes me feel horribly sad...

Hope springs eternal!

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 14th, 2017

Work was interesting. I found out the young engineers are very smart. They inherited a cluster you know what!!! The place has I think I counted 6 vendors for the equipment that I'm an expert in. 1 vendor has no two pieces of equipment that are identical. The equipment was neglected badly during the downturn. This is going to take years to fix. Sigh...

I'll be home for Thanksgiving. This is good. Then I'll be coming back. Then...Who knows???

There are other companies that are interested in me. I don't want this temp to hire nonsense. I want to be a full time employee. At least the economy is improving. It needs to do a lot better though...

Time for bed.

Nov 12th, 2017

I made it to MN in one piece. Cold as hell here. But more importantly, it's work. Apparently the place ran off all their experienced people and replaced them with recent college graduates. So now they are bringing me in to help out the recent college grads. Inside I'm laughing hysterically.

I'm across the street from the Mall of America. I haven't been there yet on this trip. More cheese curds. Love em!

My wife was oddly very warm with me last night. I'm not complaining. Of late that's just been unusual. Sigh...

I'll need to contact the places with whom I have more promising gigs for permanent work. I definitely need that.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov 11th, 2017

I'll be headed for MN on Sunday. It's a short term consulting gig. I get to make money and really don't have much in the way of deliverables. An interesting scam. The company apparently cleaned out all of their experienced engineers and replaced them with RCGs. So now they need the help of an old buzzard. Works for me.

I'm still looking for a permanent job. I want something that is outside of semiconductors. It looks like I have a good chance at getting into this steel factory in MS. Career wise and title wise it'll be a step backwards, but from a pay standpoint it sounds like it'll be a step forwards. It'll also get me experience with PLCs and VFDs to get some new experience that I can combine with my old experiences and get a job as a controls engineer. At least that is my hope. It's much more ubiquitous profession than is a semiconductor process engineer.

Gotta love my wife. She claims I wasn't doing enough around the house. When I took the initiative, as I feared, she lashed out at me. She simultaneously wants and doesn't want help. The illogic is maddening.

It's times like this that I miss my dear friend. At least for a while she was incredibly kind to me. We used to have such nice conversations. She was so uplifting. She made me feel good about myself. I wish it hadn't come to an end. I thought I had found a friend for life. I felt like the luckiest man alive. I wish I had my friend back. I wanted to show my appreciation for how nice she was to me. Why that scared her off I'll never understand...

Off to MN am I. Hopefully it'll be a fun and productive trip!!!

Take care and God Bless!!!

Nov. 8th, 2017

Good news. A consulting gig in MN. It's only short term, but what the hell. I'm guessing it'll be a good experience. They sought me out, and they made it clear that they were desperate for my experience. I'll still have to hunt for work, but that's ok.

Accepting that there must be some sort of extenuating circumstance is a relief. I may never get to give the apology that I believe that I really should do, but I can accept that there must be some sort of extenuating circumstance that is preventing that. I'm ok with that.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 7th, 2017

I had a lot of phone calls today from recruiters. One that I thought I had in my hip pocket isn't responding. Not sure what to make of it...It seems I'll be back to work soon. The question is where and doing what. I hope I can find something close to home. I'm tired of being a gypsy...

I walked today rather than running. I also wore my brace on my left calf. I'll walk one more day and see how I feel. The bad news is the weather is turning cold. Not good for healing muscle injuries.

I have a phone screen in the morning for a job in Baltimore. It's not exactly home, but at least I'll be able to come home every weekend. Having a home life again will be good. I'm tired of living alone. I get horribly depressed when I'm away from home. When I'm at home I'm good about reading my books. The 18 months I was in St. Louis I didn't finish a single book. It's not like me.

Anyway, I only seek peace. I will never understand what happened. But I want to end things on peaceful terms. I don't want to have any animosity towards anyone, and I wish to make amends to anyone who has any animosity towards me. I'm still at a loss over being shunned because I tried to say thank you for someone who was kind to me. And the way things just fell apart. I have this profound sense of loss. I don't know how to make it go away. I've tried to make amends over and over. And I get treated like a pariah...

Sadly, I still feel gratitude for kind treatment. Intellectually I suspect it may have been an act. Emotionally I hope it was just a misunderstanding. I just hope that some how or another it was just some sort of mis-communication or misunderstanding or something like that. I guess I have a hard time believing that someone would turn on the charm so hard and so long only to reject me when I had genuinely grown to like the person because I thought the person genuinely liked me first. I thought we were 2 nice people interacting with each other. I thought that each had learned that the other was a nice person.

I hope that either some day my apology will be accepted, or somehow or another I can forget about her so that this sadness will go away. I wish I had an erase button so I could make the memory of her go away.

If I were a cynic I suppose this would be easy. But I'm not. Sadly so. I suppose all I can do is be the best person I can be, continue to be apologetic and contrite, and hope for the best.

Perhaps there is some extenuating circumstance as to why my apology isn't being accepted. Or at least why the acceptance isn't being communicated. Perhaps that's what's going on. In that case it's incumbent upon me to be understanding. She is a very nice, very sweet person. I can't imagine that she would ever hold a grudge against me. She is a good and decent person. There must be some circumstance that is keeping her from responding. It's my job to be understanding...

Take care and God Bless!!!

Nov 5th, 2017

Well, I had a nice workout. I'm still a bit gimped. But I did ok. I got my braces for my calf, so I will wear that tomorrow, and hopefully with that on I'll actually be able to run.

My day was going ok. Then my wife went nutsy on me over what is basically, at least in my opinion, small fries. As I have learned with women, when they go nutso, ignore them. Nevertheless, it still was hurtful as she is a complete hypocrite on the matter. However, the lesson was learned 7 years ago. No matter how rude a woman is it doesn't pay to retaliate. Better just to let whatever the slight is go. No matter how hurtful it might be.

Assuming I get back to work quickly, I think one of the first things I might do is get a dog. I need a loyal friend. Women suck in that regard. They are as fickle as the wind. When you are kind to them they react negatively. It's almost like they want for you to yell at them and be mean to them. I just don't get that. I want so much to be kind, and to say complimentary things that will make my wife, or at least someone happy.

Tonight my wife flashed me and then walked away. I asked her to come sleep with me, and she said no. She prefers to sleep on the couch. I feel like the person I fell in love with died. She used to enjoy being intimate. These days she will annoy me by flashing me, but then walks away. I have know clue as to what she is thinking, or if she is trying to get me to behave like some cave man. That isn't me. I compliment a girl, or I buy gifts. But I don't force myself. I don't get her behavior.

I'm drilling a dry well when it comes to looking for jobs in Virginia. I really want to be here, even if just to tend to my children (fruit trees). However, it's looking more and more like that is a forlorn exercise. My best bets right now seem to be Pennsylvania and Mississippi. Both have pluses and minuses. But both seem to be good opportunities. One has been stringing me along for 3 months. I'm getting pretty annoyed with them. But they do have the redeeming feature of being near relatives. At least that would be a huge boost to my happiness. The other one is in the middle of nowhere, and I have no relatives there. But it has the redeeming feature of being something completely new and different, as well as extremely lucrative. The experience itself is good pay as far as I'm concerned. And to get a lot of cash to boot, all the better. If I can fill in the hole in my finances due to the time that I've been out of work, and then eliminate all debt, build up a war chest, and then just check out. I wouldn't mind getting a low stress job like Barnes and Noble or Home Depot. Have all of my debts paid, and just worry about current expenses. That would be so nice.

I'll probably watch some Mr. Rodgers' neighborhood. After my wife is mean to me watching Mr. Rodgers puts me into a better mood. I have no desire to be angry, nor do I wish to hold a grudge. That is unproductive. I still feel hurt at the hypocrisy. But I'll cope.

It absolutely kills me that she really has a tin ear when it comes to her being a hypocrite, especially when she lashes out at me. Metaphorically speaking, she launches a full scale nuclear attack when perhaps just a caress would work.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov 4th, 2017 B

Today was a good day. I liked going to the library to buy books. I had a good day with my wife. We really didn't do anything exciting, but it was fun all the same.

I am sorry that I was misinterpreted when I tried to say thank you for being kind to me. My heart was in the right place. I still don't understand why you had the negative reaction. I thought you had been especially kind to me when you asked me to exercise with you. It had been decades since anyone had asked that of me. I haven't had anyone since ask that of me. Thank you for being so kind to ask me to exercise with you. I found it to be especially touching. It was nice to spend some time together doing something that I enjoy with someone who is really nice. For me it was wonderful to have the shared experience together. I am still perplexed as to why trying to express my gratitude by making you some tea was treated so negatively. I had gratitude in my heart. I was trying to explicitly express it. I wasn't nor am I now asking anything in return. I was trying to return the kindness that I thought and still think was given to me. When I tried to do that I was treated as if I had made some sort of crude suggestion. I felt like the friendship that had grown over the course of a year evaporated before my eyes, and I was powerless to stop it. At first I thought you had had to stay up late working on some school project, and were just a little sleep deprived. Then when you refused to talk to me about anything I thought perhaps I had somehow or another stuck my foot in my mouth. I immediately apologized. You refused to accept my apologize. I tried to go further by offering to treat you to lunch as a form of a peace offering. You never did accept my apology. After that we never had another meaningful conversation. I felt heart broken. I still feel that way. I was trying to express my gratitude, and you responded by shunning me when I was trying to express my gratitude to you for you being kind to me. I'm still at a loss. I never will understand.

I truly hope all is well with you.

Take care and God Bless.

Nov 4th, 2017 A

I went to a book sale at a local library today. I went overboard. However, the price was right $1 for softcover, $2 for hard cover books. It'll keep me busy for a while. My quest to create a modern Great Library of Alexandria continues.

I'm very sore today. Not quite sure what I did to my back a few days ago, but sore it is. Tiger Balm is the cure-all.

I'll be watching Bedlam on TV in a bit. I haven't watched that game in person in 15 years. I hope some day to be able to watch in in person again.

Zero hard feelings. Kinda sad. But no hard feelings.

I'm optimistic about returning to work soon. But very frustrating that things are moving slowly.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 4th, 2017

To my other dear friend.

I see you've allowed yourself to get sucked into our mutual friend's craziness as I did. I have a sad lament due to being rejected when I tried to say thank you to her for being very kind to me. That kindness was asking me to exercise with her 7 years ago. I was genuinely touched. I thought I had found a true friend. When I tried to say thank you she treated me as if I had said something indecent and crude to her. I apologized to her over and over, even though I didn't know for what I was apologizing. Things deteriorated until she managed to score a direct hit with an insult. She spent almost a year trying to get me to like her. I was away from my wife and terribly lonely. I thought I had found a true friend. When she had done something that really touched me and I wanted to say thank you I was treated like a horrible person. I don't know if she was just fickle, or if she was playing a game to get me to genuinely like her so that she get derive some enjoyment from seeing my dismay over being rejected. I don't know.

If I were a cynic I would write her off. It would be the prudent course. However, I want to make positive assumptions about people. I want to believe that somehow or another this was some sort of miscommunication, or something like that. I want to believe that this is something that a polite and sincere apology, and perhaps a peace offering will fix. I make no apologies about making positive assumptions about people's motives.

You haven't done anything to me that is unforgivable, nor do I believe I have done anything unforgivable to you. I seek peace. I'm offering peace. I'm offering forgiveness over having a foolish reaction to an insult that I'm positive I didn't deserve from someone who I had grown to care about for honest and legitimate reasons. We were two nice people interacting with each other. I thought I had found one of the nicest persons who I had ever met, and she seemed to genuinely like me. It's easy to come to that conclusion when you get invited with her on vacation, not to mention quite a few unsolicited compliments, not to mention words of encouragement concerning exercising. I thought I had found a nice person who genuinely liked me. I'm still not sure that I wasn't being played, but I want to make positive assumptions about people. I want to believe that she and I were two people who were being honest with each other. I never made any untoward suggestions towards her. She apparently made the worst assumptions about me, and then spread those assumptions as if it were the truth. I felt heartbroken over the loss of a friend. In some ways it's been worse than a death in the family.

I may be on a fruitless exercise. However, I refuse to make negative assumptions. I am hopeful that some day my consistent apologetic attitude will some day bear fruit. It may be unusual to apologize for years. However, I don't believe it to be wrong.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 3, 2017

Hmm. I see my supposition was correct. And I perceive that someone perhaps feels guilty.

I'm still a bit gimped on my running. I walked today, but was still a bit stiff. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I had a nice phone screen today. It's with a laser manufacturer. I think the interview went well. Time will tell.

I also had a recruiter call me back about a job where the company was asking for the Earth, the Moon, the Sun, and the stars. The recruiter is aware of that. It sounds like he believes that 2 jobs will be created.

Am saddened by someone else's actions. That's ok though. I'm not the sort to cut someone off. The hand of friendship has never been withdrawn.

It was truly wonderful having dinner with old friends yesterday. It buoyed my spirits. It brought a brief period of happiness to my life. I value my friends and loved ones, and will go far out of my way to help them. It saddens me greatly how some things have transpired. Nevertheless, hope springs eternal.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov. 2nd, 2017

I had dinner tonight with some of my homies from Richmond. It was good to be around old friends. It felt good to be around people who have had my back for over a decade. They are all good people. It's very refreshing, especially after being cut off as a friend for trying to say thank you for what I perceived to be kind treatment.

My running hit a road bump today. I came up lame half way through the run. Such is life...Here's what I had to say about it today:


I haven't heard back from one place that made an oral commitment to hire me as a consultant. Another place I contacted and got a fairly quick response back. The hiring manager will be out for another week. However, the feedback I got is that my resume was liked.

My back is still a little sore. But it's doing ok.

I'm still looking for work, as I don't have a sealed deal yet. Very frustrating.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov 2nd, 2017

I called up the HR guy at the place where I am supposed to have a consulting gig. The response has been a bit slow, so I wanted to prod things along. It sounds like he's had a death in the family. Talk about feeling like I stuck my foot in my mouth. Ugh.

The back is feeling better. Still a little sore. I may try running today. I need to go and get a new lawn mower, assuming there are any to be had at this time of year. My old one bit the dust, and at 17 years old is probably too old to put any money into.

I'm getting lots of nibbles. If the consulting gig doesn't work out, I think I should be able to get something soon.

Take care and God Bless!

Nov 1st, 2017 B

My 2 phone screens this afternoon seem like they are probably duds. One I can do the work, but the pay isn't what I need for it to be. The 2nd one the recruiter didn't seem very organized. SMH. The one this morning sounds promising though.

I need to call the place that had given me a verbal commitment to a consulting gig. I got my last severance check last week, sooooo I need to find some work fast. I probably should apply for unemployment as well. I have been sending out plenty of resumes. One should click soon.

Take care.

Nov. 1st, 2017 A

I had a call from a recruiter for a job in Richmond. It sounds very promising. Knock on wood.

My back is still sore. I'm going to try and exercise and see what happens.

2 more phone screens this afternoon. Knock on wood.

Take care and God Bless!!!

Nov. 1st, 2017

My back is sore as hell. Ugh. Just from working in my garage a little bit. Sigh...

I should have some form of employment soon. I'm getting a lot of activity. I'm ready for my "vacation" to come to an end.

At least I'm getting some reading done. I'm also working on the anti-Federalist Papers. A very interesting book. I recommend it highly. It seems that some issues, like the gov't printing cash to pay bills, is a timeless issue. Oh well.

Take care.

Oct 31st, 2017 C

I've had a busy day. Lots of recruiter phone calls. Knock on wood. Hopefully this portends positive things in the future. And hopefully something close to home.

I suppose I should go to the grocery store and get some munchies for the munchkins. I enjoy the smile on the face of the munchkins when they do the Halloween thing. It makes me wish I could be young again.

I was thinking about the Halloween Costume you had 7 years ago. I only saw it on FB, but it was cute. I liked.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 31st, 2017 B

I got a call from a recruiter for a bank. Not sure if this will lead to anything, but what the hell. I'll give it a try.

My back is sore as hell. Just from doing a little work in my garage. Damn I need a young body!!! This ageing nonsense is FOR THE BIRDS!!!

Take care and God Bless!!!

Oct. 31st, 2017 A

I got a reply from a recruiter concerning a place that makes a food product. I was looking through the info on their website. Something that stuck out to me was a line about retirement. A pension? Nice! Rare to find these days. If I actually get a chance I'll have to give this place some serious consideration. And the fact that the position is outside of semiconductors is all the better. The job isn't in a prime location, but what the hell. I can deal with that.

I hope all is well with you. Take care and God Bless!

Oct.31st, 2017

Happy Halloween! My trick or treat seems to be that I need to buy a new lawn mower. It's sat idle for 8 years. I put fuel into it and it was leaking like a sieve. It seems all the seals deteriorated due to dry rot. 17 years for a lawn mower isn't too bad. I guess I'll be buying a new one.

I'm still waiting on the place that said they were going to hire me for consulting work to get back with me. Making me a little skittish. I'll send out an email before I go to sleep. Sigh...

I'm getting a lot of nibbles from recruiters, but no bites. Kinda frustrating.

Thank you again for all of the kind things that you have done for me. I hope that some day I can both apologize to you and express my gratitude to you. I feel like that you treated me more kindly than anyone else ever has. I still don't understand what happened 7 years ago. I hope that some day you will allow me to apologize to you, say I am very sorry about what happened, and ask you for you forgiveness. And in the same spirit, say to you that I forgive you for how you treated me. I don't understand why you shunned me when I tried to express my gratitude to you for being kind to me, nor do I understand why you insulted me the day before the blizzard. Even though you haven't asked me for forgiveness, I want to say to you that I forgive you for how you treated me. I truly don't understand why in the blink of an eye that you ended our friendship, nor do I understand when I tried to apologize you for what I still don't know you refused to accept my apology. I suspect that there was something else going on, and I suspect that it has something to do with when you said to me that something bad happened to you. And I definitely wish to apologize to you for freezing when you said that something bad happened to you. You must have thought that I didn't care. It was just that it was outside of my range of experiences in life. I hope that is a forgivable fault. I suppose in the days afterwards I should have asked you what something bad happening to you meant. It was just so far outside of my experiences in life I didn't know what it meant, and I didn't know what question to ask.

Needless to say, I still feel very guilty about not knowing what to say that night we exercised together, and not knowing what to say in the weeks and months, and now sadly, years afterwards. I hope that some day you can forgive me for botching that so badly, and not having the common sense to be able to figure out what something bad happening to a woman means. Something bad happening to me is something like a sprained ankle or a flat tire. Something bad happening to a woman was and still is just outside of my range of experiences in life.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about that night that you said that something bad happened to you. The guilt sits in my stomach like a ship's anchor. I hope some day that you will forgive me for not knowing what to say that night, and in the days, weeks, months, and now years later. I hope that some day you will afford me the opportunity to continue that conversation to at least in a small way make amends to you, and to also of course apologize to you.

Anyway, I feel like I failed you horribly, and I hope that if you haven't done so already, I hope that some day you will find it in your heart to forgive me. It wasn't that I had any ill intentions. This was just so far outside of my range of experiences in life that I didn't know what to do. I was learning as I went along. My results reflected that. I would grade my results an F. My intentions were good. But I botched this badly. Please find it in your heart to forgive me, and please let me tell you in person that I am very sorry so that I can say that I am sorry and ask you for your forgiveness. I feel that I need to so some form of atonement. Surely being wiling to face you and tell you that I was wrong and am sorry is at least some form of a bona fide making amends.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 30th, 2017

Nothing exciting this morning. There were a nice wave of rain showers. Made watching the World Series kinda problematic (satellite).

I had a low stress workout. I just walked. It was a re-charge day for me. I should be able to go harder in the morning.

Take care.

Oct. 29th, 2017 A

The past 48 hours weren't too bad. 4 friends checked on my well being. Life isn't too bad.

I am about to go and exercise. My legs feel fairly depleted from what I did on Thursday and Friday. It bites that it takes longer to recuperate after exercising these days. That's ok though.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct 29th, 2017

I received an email from an old friend. He had heard I had been laid off, and passed along a job lead that he had received. It made my day.

I had a co-worker from MO accept my FB friend request. She's a very sweet young engineer. Receiving that put me in a much better mood. I'm still very skittish around young women. But she shall we say restored some of my faith in the decency of people. She's really smart and has a very bright future. I'm just sorry she's working for a sinking ship.

I had another coworker, yet again, a young lady, send me a note asking me about my well being. It felt good to be asked about how I was doing. She's really nice, and a rather brilliant engineer. If I lived in a different reality...

Somewhere in the next week or there abouts I will probably be starting my consulting gig. That will be good. It'll be doing something completely different from what I've done in the past. It's doing quality engineering, which means setting up the quality system. Not really exciting, but in the sense that it is something that is ubiquitous to many organizations in many industries, it's VERY exciting. It'll get me out of semiconductors, which is really exciting for me. I love semiconductors, but it's dying in the US. Sadly. Time to move on.

I'm in a bit better mood concerning my wife. The saying of the path to a man's heart is through his stomach works. My wife is very impulsive, and says hurtful things that my guess is she probably doesn't mean, but she's really bad about spitting out venom. She does have good points. And then there are the impulsive things...

Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 28, 2017 A:

I guess I don't grasp my wife's casual cruelty. Even when someone really deserves some venom being spit at them I'm reluctant to do so. I don't want to do anything that would destroy a relationship. I don't get venom being spit apparently just for the hell of it. I prefer to find kind things to say about people. I reserve my venom for truly important things.

When I was run out of Dodge in Tulsa the biggest reason I got run out was that I had the audacity to tell those who asked me to do something foolish that it was extremely foolish and I got colorful when I did so. It seems that those with whom I was colorful weren't used to getting their ego smacked. Anyway, asking me to do something that would put my life and limb in danger was worth being rude over. And I've never regretted it.

But to be unkind just for the hell of it, I don't get that. Especially with one's spouse. That's the sort of thing that can kill a relationship. I just don't get that.

When I try to say something kind I get treated rudely. Both intellectually and emotionally this doesn't add up to me. I guess I have the engineer brainwashing that positive input should equal positive output. I don't understand when you say something kind to someone and you get a negative reaction. I've never figured that out. It's almost like some people want to be put down. When they are negative and you refuse to take the bait they will escalate until you do react. It's a mode of thinking I don't get.

Thank you again for all the times you were so kind to me. I've never forgotten the nice, unsolicited compliments you used to give me, nor have I forgotten the words of encouragement you used to give me when I posted that I had exercised. And as sad as it sounds, and it is sad, I don't believe that over the past 7 years that my wife has given me a single compliment, nor has she offered me any words of encouragement about anything.

Truly, I really appreciate all the kind things that you used to say to me. I hope some day that I can do something to reciprocate the kindness that you showed to me.

Take care and God Bless.

Oct. 28th, 2017

Well, my wife was casually cruel to me tonight. She called my feet ugly. She doesn't seem to get that I don't find this to be endearing. I suppose I could retaliate, but it's unproductive.

When my wife is cruel to me I recall the nice conversations that you and I used to have. It's my solace when my wife is cruel to me.

I don't know if I ever told you how I felt about you, or what I like about you. I always think about how nice and kind you were to me. I long for that kind treatment.

I hope you will indulge me and allow me to compliment you. Thank you for being so kind to me. Thank you for being a good and decent person. I love your pretty eyes and gorgeous smile. And I love that you are just a really good, decent, nice, and kind person. Your goodness and decentness and kindness is what I fell for.

I hope some day you will accept my apology. I want for us to be at peace. And when that day comes, I hope you will allow me to tell you in person, and also allow me to compliment you for being a good and decent person. And maybe mention that I really love your smile! :)

Thank you for listening.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct 27th, 2017 A

I had a fantastic workout. If I am to believe my exercise app my speed was faster than it has been in a long, long time. Now if I can just get my endurance built up to where I can do this continuously. That being said, I'm getting faster, and this is the best progress I've made in a long, long time.

I talked with a recruiter in Richmond. This sounds like a very promising prospect. I would gladly trade cash so that I can be home permanently. If I'm at home I won't need anywhere near as much income as before. If I can keep at that level and only have 1 household to support that would be super fantastic. But not necessary. I really want to be home.

The weather for my run was fantastic. It was chilly this morning, but I waited till it warmed up, and it warmed up nicely. The result was about 70 F and low humidity. Just perfect running weather.

I hope all is well with you.

Take care and God Bless!!!

Oct. 27, 2017

Well, I got stood up on a Skype interview. The job was in Britain, so it's not a real big deal as far as I'm concerned. Besides, I have other things brewing shall we say.

I feel ok after my run yesterday. Not where I want to be, but if I'm to believe my exercise app my speed is increasing. This is a good thing.

I need to get at least the battery in my phone replaced, if not the entire phone. I'm having to carry around an external power supply 24/7 to keep my phone running. I can feel the battery overheating when I try to run it without external power. It's getting to be very annoying, but I'm waiting till I get employed again. However, the battery is deteriorating, so I may not be able to wait much longer.

I do feel much more at peace since getting laid off. My job situation was a lot like the dogs doing rescue work at a disaster site where there are no survivors. The dogs get depressed because they have no successes. In that case, the handlers have to fake a rescue to keep the dogs working. I remember thinking that I wish someone would allow me to at least fake a success. I was really taken aback when I had what I thought were good ideas, especially the one about a 10% boost in output for almost no investment, but I wasn't allowed to implement it.

I'm sure you may have heard the saying about people being unable to see beyond the end of their noses. Some of the people I worked with couldn't see beyond the edge of their eye lashes. I have never seen or worked at such a myopic organization before. I hope I never get that experience again. It was very, very frustrating.

Once the factory manager and the engineering manager quit all support for my projects evaporated. I am so glad to be away from that place. Ugh...

My new place is trying to figure out what to do as far as importing manufacturing capabilities. Needless to say, this will probably be an interesting experience.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct 26, 2017 B:

I'm reading an interesting book called The Rise and Fall of American Growth. The central thesis seems to be that from the end of the Civil War to 1970 was a unique period in American History, and that the old growth rates won't return. The material is pretty good, but it seems to ignore such things as perpetual Federal Budget Deficits, Perpetual Trade Deficits, and outrageously large min wage increases have shall we say had a deleterious effect on the dollar. My guess is it's a brain washing attempt. I'll hold my judgement till I finish the book, but my guess is it ignores the ~$500B annually that we import from China that could surely boost the American standard of living. Sigh.

My run was really nice. It's been 5+ years since I was injured by Cipro. My left foot still swells up. My right tendon gets sore when it never did before. At least I can walk, and truly do about anything I can want to do. But it is annoying that I'm still having some pain from that. And I still haven't gotten my endurance and speed back. It may be just age. But I feel like my youth was stolen from me by that damned anti-biotic. It's sad to me as there was something over the counter I could have taken. Pau D'Arco is very effect, and it can be purchased at Vitamin shops. Oh well.

I'm alternating walking and running. My running portion is under 8 min/mile, and then walking to recover. My hope is that within 6 months I can do the entire run at that pace. And perhaps if I am able to lose some weight it will be even faster. I want to get back on track to complete a marathon in every state. Knock on wood.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 26, 2017 A

I've had a few more recruiters send me emails. I've sent out a lot of resumes, and I seem to be hitting some critical mass. This is amusing.

Off to exercise. Need to keep the improvement going in my running.

Take care and God Bless!!!

Oct. 26, 2017

I've done some research over what the company that it looks like I'll probably working for will be making. I don't know exactly what the design is, but I've got a good idea. It looks like something that is very straight forward. It won't require a lot of R&D. It will more require execution. The process, from the looks of it, makes use of things that I've used in the past. With regards to say cutting edge computer chip processes this is a blast from the past for me. However, for this situation, that sort of knowledge is needed. I'll be starting a facility more or less from scratch. That will be good. I can get things how I want them to be and how I would like for them to be.

The last place that I worked at still makes me shake my head. They were hemorrhaging cash, but the CEO was making in the millions, but there were no spare parts, maintenance was deferred, or perhaps more properly, ignored, and last, but not least, the operators were badly underpaid and didn't really care. They would last 4-6 weeks and vote with their feet. And it didn't help that the manufacturing management behaved like Simon Legris towards the operators. They could get fired for nothing.

The equipment was worn out. I had one piece of equipment that hadn't been properly serviced for 5 years. Then one day it just puked. And of course, we didn't have the spare parts on site. So the piece of equipment was down for weeks waiting on parts. SMH...

The culture there was to run a piece of equipment until it breaks. Then to go into crisis mode to get it back up and running. There wasn't a real belief in preventative maintenance, but a lot of resources devoted to reactive maintenance.

The manufacturing processes were geared towards jamming as much product through the production line, with little regard to quality. It really shocked me that quantity came before quality. Many of problems the place has is due to the ethos of quantity before quality.

It's a place I am glad is behind me. I haven't been gone that long, but it just seems like a bad memory from long ago. I feel much more at peace. I had almost no control there. I was in purely in reactive mode, and when I tried to take measures to get at least my portion of the manufacturing process out of reactive mode and into proactive mode I got yelled at. I was really taken aback by that. When I tried to get tool time and raw materials to improve the process I was all but ignored. I came up with an improvement that would have gotten a 10% boost in output for about 5-10 minutes of human labor for a manufacturing step that was 12+ hours. From my standpoint it was all but free money. I wasn't allowed to implement it.

My feelings are good riddance. I'm all but sure the place will shut down in December. I'm ahead of the curve and won't get my Christmas ruined.

I'm not sure exactly what my title will be, but for the short term I'll be a consultant. I hope it turns into a full-time gig. I'm in sore need of a permanent home. Hopefully this is the one.

Take care and God Bless.

Oct. 25th, 2017 A:

It looks like I may have a consulting gig. It's with a small company, but there appear to be growth opportunities. The pay looks to be good. I may have to do some financial acrobatics for a month, but once the cash starts rolling in things should be good, at least from the looks of things. Knock on wood. I don't have it for sure yet, but things are looking up. It won't be at home, but it will be close enough I can come home every weekend, and I should also be able to stay with relatives, so this should be good. Assuming everything works out it should be a very good situation for me. I won't be home, but neither will I be alone. It'll be the best situation I've had in a decade.

Again, I hope all is well with you. My life won't be completely normal, but it will be the best I've had in a long time.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct 25th, 2017

Well, I continue to get nibbles. But no bites. Very frustrating. My wife was laid off in Aug., and now has a new job. I wish I could roll the clock back about 30-40 years and go down a different path. I also wish I could get our Federal Gov't to undo that 2000 WTO agreement. That has killed so many jobs in the US. Absolute fool's gold.

I may end up having to take a lesser job until the one that I want becomes available. Or perhaps take a lesser job in a different industry in order to get some new job skills. Will have to mull this over.

I hope life is going well. Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 24, 2017

I had a phone screen today that really irritated me. It was a job that I could easily do. It's a bit of a commute from my home, but it is doable. After dangling the job in front of me, the recruiter yanked it away, claiming that he didn't think I would stick with it.


Grouched me severely.

On a different note, my running seems to be improving. I' nowhere near where I want to be, but I am doing and getting better. That is a plus.

I'll call the guy back and point out my gauge for inconvenient. Perhaps he'll change his tune. At least I hope so.

Take care and God Bless.

Oct. 19, 2017

My job hunting is going decently. I'm getting a lot of activity. Sadly, it's not in Virginia. It seems that I'm still sentenced to be a nomad. This is absolutely the last thing that I want. However, I can't seem to get work in VA. At least there seems to be work that will pay very well so that I can pay off enough bills so that I can accept a lower paying job in Richmond. It's not an immediate route out, but there does seem to be a path home...eventually. :(

There's a song by Pink that makes me sad. But I like it. Here it is:


Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 16, 2017

More nibbles. No bites yet. Very frustrating. At least there is some activity.

I am home. This is good. I've been away from home far too many years. Hopefully I can get a job near my home and my wife and I can resume living like a normal family. Hopefully our nightmare is over with.

More resumes to send out.

Take care and God Bless!

Oct. 12, 2017

A very sad past 2 weeks. On Oct. 1st my Aunt in Delaware passed away. I got back up to DE in time to talk to her before she died. I also spoke at her memorial. A very sad experience. I am thankful I was there, as I had a young cousin who needed someone to comfort him. Much like when you said something bad happened to you, I didn't have an instant response when I saw he needed comforting. Fortunately I had a moment to collect my thoughts, and I did offer him words of comfort. It may not have been perfect, but it was a lot better response than I had in Nov. 2010 when you said something bad happened to you. In the morning we are going to the internment. I think I can hold it together for the sake of my uncle.

I managed to re-injure my right calf while running. At least this time I went out and bought some compression hose and a brace to wrap around my calf while I exercise. It does seem to be working. Time will tell.

I'm getting a lot of nibbles on my job search. I think I'll be back to work fairly quickly.

It seems I upset you by offering to apologize to you. I do think my sentiments were correct. I was and am seeking to make amends to you. For that I have nothing to apologize. However, by making the offer some how or another that seems to have upset you. Upsetting you is absolutely, positively the last thing that I had in mind. I don't know how to put you at ease, or convince you that my desires and motivations are 100% pacific. I wish to apologize to you so that we may part ways in peace. I have nothing to apologize for seeking peace with you or anyone. I will, however, apologize for anything that my lack of skill in wishing to execute a noble end has done to upset you. I may not be skilled in apologizing, but I will keep doing so until I have apologized to your satisfaction. I only wish for peace between us. No more.

It is obvious to me that I have somehow failed or fallen short of your requirements. I promise to strive to do better.

Take care and God Bless.

Sept 26, 2017

I had a nice interview, but I don't have the correct background for the job that I interviewed for. But if offered it I'll probably take it. There are jobs much closer to home, and I am looking into those. Hopefully I can get one of those jobs soon.

On the bright side, at least my roses are blooming nicely. And my poor pathetic looking peach tree looks ok. It was damaged by a buck a decade ago. The trunk died, but the roots were still alive, and a new trunk came up in its place. The result is a badly mis-shapen tree that looks more like a bush. But it's alive, and it makes peaches.

I hope all is going well for you.

Take care and God Bless!

Sept 24, 2017

I made it to Virginia safely. I still need to unload my car, but that's ok. I have a job interview tomorrow. I contacted an old friend and he got me an interview where he works immediately. I'm looking forward to the interview, but the commute will be a pain if I get the job. It's 109 miles each way to the job. I've done this commute before. But not optimal. But, if it keeps me at home, I'm in.

Take care and God Bless!

Sept 19, 2017

To my dear friend,

Well, I'm off to Virginia. I was laid off yesterday. It's a blessing, as I really need to get back home. I wasn't at home when my wife's brother died. Talk about something that will make you feel guilty. Anyway, I'll be leaving on Thursday..

I just want to reiterate my severe regret for everything that happened several years ago. I hope some day you will forgive me for what happened several years ago.

Take care,

Sept. 14, 2017

Well, today was a happy day for me. I managed to get in contact with an old friend who I've known since the 5th grade. Much to my pleasant surprise she replied to me almost instantly. As with most girls I really like, she's a brunette. A beautiful lady, about 5 ft. tall. It really made my day that she responded when I sent her a note. She's someone who now that I'm much older I wish I had gathered the courage to ask out when I was younger. She is really, really sweet, and just is so beautiful. One of my regrets in life.

However, just having her respond restored my faith, at least a little bit, in humanity. It was nice that someone who I haven't talked to in decades responded almost immediately when I sent her a note. It left me feeling good to know that I had an old friend out there who would respond when I said hi.

My work is still crazy. We were told on Wed. that we were getting inferior raw materials where I am working, and that if we use this our finished product will be unsaleable. I'm absolutely shaking my head. It's another sign the end is near. Sigh.

Take care and God Bless!

Sept 13, 2017

Today I had what seems to be a serious nibble for a job in VA. One never knows for sure, but I was contacted first. Knock on wood.

Today I was very sad. I'm not sure why. I had an interesting way of dealing with it. I went out to dinner. I was served by a very pretty young lady. After talking with her for a few minutes, just doing the normal ordering a meal conversation my mood lightened. I guess I just needed to have a girl smile at me. I know that sounds sad, but it is the truth. I went out to dinner to basically pay a girl to smile at me and to talk to me. And the food was good. I had a prime rib. But yes, I went out to eat to pay someone to talk to me. I hope that doesn't sound too pathetic.

I also had a company in Richmond talk to me earlier this week. It seems very promising. I would love to have a ob in Richmond so I can live in my own house again and sleep in my own bed again and live like a normal human being again.

Anyway, I hope all is going well with you.

Take care and God Bless.

Sept 10, 2017

Well, I sent out a lot of resumes today. The 2 managers who quit haven't been replaced yet. People have people have moved into their slots, but no backfilling of those positions has occurred yet. It seems pretty obvious to me that the end can't be too far off. I may be wrong, but when people aren't being replaced...My guess is the operations is being wound down. The technology may get transferred overseas. I'm not sure.

I may go to the OSU job fair in a week in Stillwater. I haven't decided for sure. What may keep me away is that most of those jobs are probably in Oklahoma, and I really want to go back East. It's where my house is, it's where my wife is at. Still, I do need to look for work. I have a few days to mull it over.

If you go to that and you see me don't deliberately bump into me and walk away like you did in 2012. Just stop and say hi. I might break into tears. But if it happens it'll be a kind and friendly exchange, at least from my end. And it will include a lot of contrition. And remorse. And regret. You get the idea.

In 2012 I can't tell you how much I wanted to go and apologize to you then and there. But I honored your wishes and didn't.

When I saw you walk away I knew it was you immediately. It's kind of funny how I knew. From years of working in cleanrooms you learn to recognize people by their body shape and the gait of their walk. When I saw you walking away from me after you deliberately bumped into me I recognized your gait. It's very distinctive. Most people have a kind of choppy gait. Yours is very smooth. I also recognized your hair and body shape. Then I saw you turn and talk to the recruiter and saw your face. It absolutely killed me to not go and beg you for your forgiveness then and there. But I didn't. I honored your wishes.

Anyway, I'm hopeful that I can find something new and permanent soon. If I were willing to accept contract work I could probably get something today. I might even be able to make more than I am today. But I'm looking for a permanent position. Sigh.

Take care and God Bless!

Sept 06, 2017

I had a fun Labor Day. I went to TX to visit with my Mom. My wife and I got to spend time together. You don't appreciate such things until it is a rare commodity. I went to see AT&T stadium in Arlington, TX. That was fun!

I absolutely loved the eclipse. It was everything I had hoped it would be. It was so damned short though. Only 2 1/2 minutes. But I loved it. I sadly watched it alone, but at least I got to see it. I would have loved to have had a friend or loved one to share the experience with though.

I learned that in 6 years there is going to be an annular eclipse in the US, and in 7 years another total eclipse. I am soooooo excited. I waited so long to see the one last month. I am looking forward to seeing more!

Take care and God Bless!

Aug 20, 2017

Curses! It looks like it's going to be raining tomorrow. I'll have to travel to be able to see the eclipse. I haven't figured out where that is yet though.

I am excited about it. I am kinda sad that I'll be watching it by myself. But such is life. I'll be happy that I'll be seeing a celestial event. But I will be sad that I won't be sharing the experience with anyone.

I hope you are doing well. I hope that God's blessings are bestowed upon you. I hope you are happy, healthy, in good spirits, prosperous, and with good fortune.

Take care and God Bless.

Aug 11, 2017

Hi. Well, my charm seems to have struck out again. I had made a friendship with someone on FB. It was purely platonic. We had had a few conversations. I had always been kind, polite, etc. Today she unfriended me. No explanation. My guess is that when a girl is young and pretty and guys are kissing her feet to win her attention that guys are a commodity. I feel sad. When her Dad died I offered her words of kindness. I never asked for anything in return. At least I had never met face to face and hadn't started a face-to-face friendship. I still feel sad though. I thought we had made a friendship at some level.

There was another girl. One of Marzi's friends. She had been in Iran. We struck up a friendship on FB. She actually sent me a gift for having been kind to her. One day she ended everything without so much as an explanation. I didn't think that I had done anything offensive, but I sent a note of apology anyway. I never heard anything back. I came away feeling very empty. I had offered her friendship, advice, words of encouragement, etc., but then she ended our friendship without any warning or explanation. We had been conversing with each other on FB for like 4 or 5 years. After she came to the US, a year later, I was dumped as a friend. I never said anything rude or unkind to her. It hurts when you spend years cultivating a friendship and then to have the other person end it without either explaining or saying good bye.

One of the most painful things that ever happened to me is in the 80s when my wife told me to get lost over the phone. We had been together for 5 years at that point. And she did it when my Dad was deathly ill in the hospital. I would have thought that I deserved being told in person. That didn't happen. It left a deep scar inside. I eventually forgave my wife, and we did get married, etc. But in some ways that never did really heal. I kinda freak when a woman does that to me. It reminds me of what my wife did to me over 30 years ago.

A lot my reaction for when our friendship melted down was a reaction to how my wife treated me 30 years ago. I hope you can understand and find it in your heart to forgive me. To be rejected when your father is deathly ill was like being kicked when you're down. I had been a loyal boyfriend, and felt like I was being abandoned when I needed love and support. I remember I burst into tears. When I started crying my dog ran to my side and started licking away my tears. I think if I hadn't had my dog to hug I would have completely fell apart.

Anyway, I hope this explains a lot of my actions. When you quit talking to me it felt like I was reliving my wife dumping me. It's a pain that's never quite gone away, even after over 20 years of marriage. Please forgive me for being stupid when you quit talking to me. I suppose everyone has pain buried in their heart. This is one of mine. Even if you don't forgive me, I hope you at least understand my actions better.

Take care and God Bless.

Aug 6, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

I'm more and more certain it's time to bail out of my current job. With two layers of management quitting it's like having to re-interview for your job. This place never has been fun, although I do like the people I am working with. However, it's just no fun. There's nothing really holding me here, so as soon as I can find another job I'm gone.

2 more weeks till the eclipse. If you are coming here to see it please let me know. I would love to have the opportunity to apologize to you. And I would love to share the experience of seeing the eclipse with someone who I like. Several years ago when I mentioned the eclipse my wife's response was that if she wanted to see an eclipse she could read about it in a book. A few weeks ago she said the same thing again. I didn't even ask her to come and watch it with me. I didn't want to be rejected.

In 2004 I asked my wife to celebrate my birthday with me by doing a 5k with me, and then to go explore where the 5k was at, Sharpsburg, MD, the site of an important Civil War battle. She did the 5k with me, but then got antsy and wanted to go and get some food. This we did. The food was next to an outlet mall, so she wanted to shop. The rest of the day got consumed with me spending my birthday sitting on a bench at the outlet mall while she shopped. Basically my birthday got ruined. I didn't get to explore the Antietam Battle field as I had really wanted to. I later went back by myself, but it felt empty not having anyone to share the experience with.

Anyway, after my wife repeatedly saying that she had no interest in seeing the solar eclipse I didn't even ask her to join me. I was positive that she would get antsy around the time of the eclipse, or find some excuse to start an argument, and make me miss the eclipse, or something like that. It really saddens me that she won't just be polite and share the experience with me because I'm her husband and it's something that interests me. But that's how she is.

If you are coming here I would love to have the opportunity to share the experience with you. I know you like things like this. And I would love to share the experience with one of the nicest persons who I've ever met. I know you probably will ignore me, or will find something sinister in what I'm saying, but I thought I would ask. I would love to share the experience with you, as well as to have the opportunity to apologize to you. I don't understand exactly what happened almost 7 years ago, but I am more than willing to apologize to you.

I hope life is treating you well. Life isn't always fair, but what is important is finding a way to transform something bad into something good. Sometimes it takes a long time to do so, but it can be done.

Take care and God Bless!

July 31, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

Over the weekend I bought a welder's mask. Gotta protect my eyes from the UV when the eclipse comes in 21 days. I'm so stoked about that. I've waited so long for this.

If you come up this way call me. I want to apologize to you so badly. I also want to share the experience of seeing the eclipse with a friend, or perhaps as you put it, someone you merely used to work with. I really want to share this experience with someone I care about. I want it to be special. And if I get the opportunity to share the experience with you it'll be as good as it gets, at least in my opinion.

Anyway, I hope all is well with you. I've never had anything but the highest opinion of you. I still don't understand what happened several years ago, but I am more than willing to give you an apology that is to your satisfaction. I want to make amends to you. I want to make peace with you.

Take care and God Bless!

July 26, 2017

To my dear friend,

On a different note, I took off Aug 21, 2017 to see the eclipse. I'm really looking forward to that. I've known about it most of my life. It's something I've looked forward to for a long time.

If you come up this way call me. I'll gladly meet you at any mutually agreeable place, which basically means any place that is acceptable to you. I sincerely wish to apologize to you. I feel I have a debt to you that I need to fulfill. I don't know exactly how to convince you that I have only pacific motives, but I'll keep trying.

No matter what you decide, no hard feelings. I only have gratitude in my heart for having a nice friend like you. That will never change.

Take care and God Bless.

July 23, 2017

Hi. Well, I need to give myself an honest self-assessment of how well I responded when I was told my brother-in-law died. I really didn't do much better than when you said something bad happened to you. By deeds, I did do better though. Within 24 hours I had a rental car and was driving to CA. I hope that if you haven't done so already that some day you will forgive me for not knowing what to say when you said that something bad had happened to you. Even though it's been almost 7 years now I still feel very guilty about freezing when you said that, and not having enough common sense to ask what was wrong.

Not that I've ever stopped looking, but I will be looking for a job more vigorously. When I call my wife it's obvious that she's been crying. She won't admit it though.

On a different note, where I work, both the factory manager and the engineering manager quit. Not sure what to make of it, but it seems time to go and find a new employer...

Take care and God Bless!

July 20, 2017

I'm back from California. One of the saddest trips I've ever had to make. My brother in law was so nice, and was so young. The world lost a good man. And I lost a good friend. Needless to say I feel sad and heart broken. He died of natural causes. I'm at a loss for words.

I hope all is well with you. Take care.

July 6, 2017

Well, I'll probably be passing through Tulsa this weekend for a horrible reason. My brother-in-law, who lives in the LA area died today. I'll be driving out to go to his funeral. He was only 44. The short story is he died of kidney failure. He was a nice, really sweet man. I'm going to miss him terribly.

I hope all is well with you. Take care and God Bless.

July 4, 2017

I celebrated the 4th my way. I went out and exercised. It was too flippin hot to run the whole way. I mostly walked. But I had fun.

Hopefully I can get a new job soon. The signs of the end are showing. The best is the factory manager only showing up at 8 am on a good day, and leaving at 5 pm sharp. Yesterday, even though he isn't from the US, he acted like he was. He barely showed up. Huge sign.

I'll probably come down in Aug for a weekend. I'll post here. I want to put this behind me.

Take care

June 30, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

I am thinking about coming down in Aug. I'll post here when. I sincerely wish to apologize to you. I positive I owe you an apology, and I'm positive you deserve an apology.

My work is still crazy as hell. It still feels like a sinking ship. All we really need is some investment in some reliable equipment. We've got a good technology. We just need some good equipment to make the product...

As you may be aware on Aug 21st the solar eclipse will be hitting St. Louis. I'm planning on taking the day off. It should be exciting.

Anyway, I'll post here what my travel plans are. I am very hopeful that you will meet me at the Farmer's Market when I go and visit. I want to carry out the duty that I have to you so that we can part ways on peaceful terms. At least that is my hope.

Take care and God Bless.

June 5, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

I had a shall we say not so fun day today. I got off work, rolled down the window to let the heat out and the window mechanism broke. I got home, my wife called me, and our central air seems to have bitten the dust. Under the circumstances I won't be coming down, much to my consternation.

However, I do still wish to apologize to you. I will arrange a different time. I really wanted to come and apologize to you, as I am positive I owe you an apology. I suppose this will wait for another day.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday on Saturday.

Take care and God Bless.

June 4, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

Please accept my invitation to meet at the Farmer's Market on Sat., June 10th, 2017. I sincerely wish to apologize to you and to make amends to you, at least in a small way. I don't believe that apologizing to you will in and of itself completely make amends. But I do believe that it is a start. I don't want to be on bad terms with anyone on this Earth, and I especially don't want to be on bad terms with you. As you may recall in the past you were really sweet and nice and kind to me. I've never forgotten that, and I am still extremely grateful for the kind treatment, the nice compliments, the encouragement when it comes to exercising, and so on. How we got to where we are today I'll never fully understand, but I sincerely wish to say to you to your face that I was very stupid and very wrong. I believe I have a debt to repay to you, and this is a start. And if all I get is you at least listening to me apologize to you I'll be very happy. I sincerely desire to make amends to you. And if all I get is the opportunity to say I'm sorry, that I was wrong, and to ask you for your forgiveness, and get nothing else, I can walk away very happy.

Anyway, I hope you will accept my proposal.

Take care and God Bless!

May 1, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

I hope you will consider meeting me at the Farmer's Market on June 10th. I know it's probably scary for you, but it's scary for me too. It was very painful for me to have someone who I thought liked me and who I had grown to genuinely like and care for because of what I thought and still think were the right reasons, we were two nice people interacting with each other, and to have that nice person all of a sudden shun me and treat me like the worst person on the planet because I tried to say thank you for being nice to me and kind to me by making you that cup of tea was and is very perplexing to me, as well as being very painful. I suppose I may have committed some faux pas, but I don't believe at that point that I had done anything wrong.

Anyway, the point is I know for me this is a whole lot scary. I'm guessing that it is for you too. Nevertheless, I genuinely wish to apologize to you and to at least start on the path of making amends to you. I don't believe that apologizing to you in and of it self will make amends to you, but I believe that it is a good starting point.

I hope you will show up. You can contact me earlier if you wish to.

Take care.

Apr 23, 2017

To My Dear Friend: Again, I have noticed you blocking and unblocking me. I'm not sure what to make of it. While I do want to send you a note, I'm also very mindful of the last message you sent me. Under those circumstances I would be very foolish to contact you first. This is a non-negotiable. I need for you to contact me first. I guess there must be some reason that you wanted to get my attention. However, I'm not a mind reader. I need some direct conversation. Email works, as does here, as does FB, as does Skype, as does Whatsapp.

After saying that, I'll be down in Tulsa the weekend of our birthdays. I'll go to the Farmer's Market. If you want to converse with me, that would be a good opportunity.

Take care and God Bless.

Apr. 20, 2017

To my Dear Friend:

I haven't seen a note from you. I'm not quite sure what to make of it after you blocked and unblocked me. I'll just go to the Farmer's Market on June 10th. If you want to you can meet me there and we can discuss what we need to discuss. And what I am desiring to discuss is to offer you an apology without any expectations of any reciprocation. You will recall 6 years ago you said, "You're not my friend, you're not my colleague, you're merely someone I work with." 3 years ago you reiterated your desire to not have any sort of friendship with me. I had hoped that when you said that 6 years ago you said it in the heat of the moment, but didn't really mean it. Nevertheless, I did hear you the first time. If you've changed your mind on the subject I would consider that to be a very happy occurrence. Nevertheless, I am going into this expecting nothing.

If you want to talk sooner, just contact me. I know you already know how to do so.

Take care and God Bless!

Apr 19, 2017

To my Dear Friend. I have noticed you blocking/unblocking me on FB. I do sincerely wish to send you a note, but I haven't. You may recall the promises you made to me 3 years ago. I very much respect those promises.

As I'm sure you know, my birthday is in June 2 days after yours. I'll probably come down on the evening of June 9th. On the 10th I'll go to the farmer's market on 15th street. I'll be there for. If you want to talk with me you can come and meet me there.

Take care and God Bless!

Apr 18, 2017

To my Dear Friend,

I hope you had a nice Easter. I went and visited my Mom. Anyway, I had a recruiter contact me recently with a job that I believe is a good fit for you. If you want to know more, please contact me. I'm more than happy to share the information. Just contact me.

I respectfully await your replay.

Take care and God Bless.

Apr 6, 2017:

To my Dear Friend,

I have noticed you blocking and unblocking me on FB. I don't know quite what to make of it, but you have my attention. I'm not sure if you are trying to signal me or not, but you do have my attention. I sincerely desire to apologize to you and at least in a small way make amends to you. If we can part ways on peaceful terms I'll be very pleased. I don't know if you are receptive to me apologizing to you, but I sincerely wish to do so. Taken as a whole, you were nothing but sweet and kind to me. How we ended up where we are today I'll never understand, but nevertheless I sincerely wish to say to you that I am sorry that I upset you and to ask you for your forgiveness for the purpose of parting ways on peaceful terms. I am seeking no more than that.

You know how to contact me. A phone call works. Email does too. I may break down in tears of happiness if you do call. But you will get the apology you deserve and that I owe to you. I am very cognizant that I have a debt to you that needs to be fulfilled. And I sincerely desire to apologize to one of the nicest persons who I have ever met for when it comes down to it for being prideful and stupid.

I respectfully await your reply.

Take care and God Bless

I'm a gypsy who would rather be a homebody. My work has taken me quite literally from sea to shining sea and beyond. Currently I'm smack in the middle of the country. I make rust for food (If you want to know what that means, ask! :)) I get to play mad scientist daily!!! I shall we say have plentiful strategic reserves, yet I run. I'm just full of contradictions.

I pursue peace. Peace is my ambition. All you have to do is make me an offer. I will gladly do what it takes to secure peace! :)

Aug. 21st, 2017: There is a total eclipse of the sun that will be passing through St. Louis. I plan on witnessing this event. If you wish to join me, ask!

Why I’m on Couchsurfing


I've been to a few meetings. One in MN, one in CA, one in OK, and a couple in TX.


I've been to a few meetings.



  • concerts
  • dining
  • marathon
  • running
  • tv
  • hiking
  • hunting
  • sports

Music, Movies, and Books

My most recent book purchases (I buy faster than I read) (Oct 8, 2016)

Meditations: Marcus Aurelius
Civil War: Lucan (The Roman Civil War 2000 years ago)
Caesar's Chronicles
The Competitive Advantage of Nations, Michael Porter
History of the Ancient World, Susan Wise Bauer
Sold Out, Michelle Malkin,
History of the Medieval World, Susan Wise Bauer,
The Anti-Federalist Papers
Data Analysis and Business Modeling

I have a book fetish!!! The more the better. Am currently working on some classic philosophers (Seneca, as an example). Like him. Here's a quote:"What is my object in making a friend? To have someone to be able to die for, someone I may follow into exile, someone for whose life I may put myself up as security and pay the price as well. ... There can be no doubt that the desires lovers have for each other is not so different from friendship-you might say friendship gone mad. ......Actual love in itself, heedless of all other considerations, inflames people's hearts with a passion for the beautiful object, not without hope, too, that the affection will be mutual." SenecaUnbreak my Heart, by Toni Braxton. A powerful, sad song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2Rch6WvPJE&ob=av3eThe summer of 42. Kind of sad... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYu6HtUxRJsYou are so Beautiful, by Joe Cocker. Just love that song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spsVigJCvNUA Hard Habit to Break, by Chicago. ¡Mui Bien! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6btckmnndY&feature=relatedWalks Like a Lady, by Journey. Way cool. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9LOfSA5EQwHelter Skelter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWuXmfgXVxY&feature=player_embeddedLara's Theme, from Dr. Zhivago. So beautiful. I love it!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYDSi3YHcOA&feature=relatedWendy, by the Beach Boys. Seems to go well with a recent experience. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCEUOfiZsnAWhen a Man Loves a Woman, by Percy Sledge. It most certainly is the truth. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8raabzZNqwhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgPwCN0NAAE&feature=related Can't get any better than John Lennon.Ricky Martin. Living La Vida Loca. Applies to a recent experience that I've had. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p47fEXGabaYhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D3bowe-W7ZM This song by Queen is cool.Let it be, by the Beatles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vHgZCrAoqKkYesterday, by The Beatles. I'm sure just about everyone has had an experience like that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGQgd2PT4mw&feature=relatedA good one from the Eagles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1d8hZtvRPnoBlack Magic Woman, by Carlos Santana http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaKnRUfh_5ITrisha Yearwood. Gotta love her. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jckKmsCsmioPhil Collins. Against all odds. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuvtoyVi7vY&feature=fvwrelPhil Collins. Easy lover. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mu8m8_-tRoThis is Eva Cassidy's rendition of Fields of Gold. I think she blew away Sting's rendition. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8BtJbOPjPfQ&feature=fvstA sad song by Richard Marx. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0SUG6Fv15Y&feature=relatedEva Cassidy. She died far too young. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Zsq42yKuHA&feature=relatedEva Cassidy doing Time after Time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMznNlfLXP4&feature=relatedMartha Reeves and the Vandellas. Nowhere to run. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQRIOKvR2WMGotta love Ray Charles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_rzE8tJQHgThe Police, "Every Breath you Take". Gotta love Sting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMOGaugKpzsMarty Robbins: "El Paso" Kinda cool. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgI5DMVegIkBob Seger. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pk-W_i7Z59IGot this from a friend of mine. I wish I understood the words, but the pictures seem to do a good job of conveying the meaning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZDJCexCSws&feature=sharehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsYT8YHL-R0 A great line from The Wrath of KhanGotta love the Borg: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsUHVuCNmXY

The end of Star Trek TNG: Q, as always. Gotta love what he says to Picard. The trial never ends!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6kpC_FwcR4

Darth Vader vs. Obi Won. The destruction of a friendship. Sad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSwy412nttI

Gold dust woman by Fleetwood Mac.

Silver Springs, by Fleetwood Mac. Kind of cool to see the tension between Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ud2XKt2N8fs

The Road Warrior Trailer. Loved that movie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gdv5EtZQ6jg

The Borg. Resistance is Futile!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyenRCJ_4Ww

More Borg. Resistance is Futile!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSCe40HMv1c

And more Borg. Resistance is Futile!!! Gotta love the Borg!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsUHVuCNmXY

Journey: Escape: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUzH-ZKXmxo

The Enemy Below: WW2 sub chase movie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOGu9EP7ZUI

The Wizard of OZ. I swear the Wicked Witch of the West is EVIL!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Leb83bRkXDg

From the Wrath of Khan. Kirk to Spock: "I have been, and always shall be, your friend." Love that movie!!!

Bleed to love her, by Fleetwood Mac. A beautiful song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5BZzkWXcwc&feature=bf_next&list=PL927103DDE8C8BE04

This is the theme song to Vikings. I love the main character, Ragnar Lothbrook. He's an absolute scoundral, but damn if he isn't lovable and charming. Good show on The History Channel.

Capt. Kirk shouting, "KHANNNN!"

Journey Walks like a Lady. Live in Maryland.

One Amazing Thing I’ve Done

Watching the Total Eclipse on Aug 21st, 2017. Scratch one off the bucket list!!!

Getting to live and work overseas! Hsinchu, Taiwan was a blast!!!

Being able to help my Mom through the travail of having her leg amputated. :(

Chasing a bear in Yosemite!!! (no joke)

Going to London.

Ran a 10k in under 40 minutes (that was a lonnnnnng time ago though. And many pounds!!! :) )

Being a crazy idiot and running the 2011 OKC Marathon with a badly injured right calf with a driving rain in the middle of a thunderstorm!!! Not sure which one was crazier. Running with a severely injured right calf, or running in the middle of a thunderstorm!!!

Finished my first marathon! Route 66 Marathon, Tulsa, OK, Nov 20th, 2011. 49 more states to go!!!

The Grand Canyon. It took my breath away!

Halley's Comet!
Comet Hale-Bopp (1997)

Meteors (many)

Taipei 101 (very tall building)

What I want to see: The total eclipse of the sun near St. Louis on Aug. 21st, 2017!!! (DONE!!!)

Teach, Learn, Share

I hope to pass on my experiences in life to others, and also learn from others experiences.

Countries I’ve Visited

Japan, Mexico, Puerto Rico, Taiwan, United Kingdom, United States, Virgin Islands, U.S.

Countries I’ve Lived In

United States

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