ABOUT ME

He was once the town bird-watcher for a living forest community. He can sprint at three miles and hour. He fights badgers in a cage for a living. Fashion was the first of his senses to go. He is like a bag of crisps popping open in the wrong direction.

Interests

I am writing a book at the moment, and intend to make a life in Berlin.

• writing
• books
• fashion
• sprinting
• cars

One Amazing Thing I’ve Done

I went to the petrol station the other day and the pump I drove up to first was out of order, so I backed up and prepared to go to another one. As I was manoeuvering, this tight-arse hairpin woman arrived in her shit-mobile and shot ahead of me. I got out of the car and indicated the obvious, as if she didn't know, that I had been there first and it was clear that I was going to the pump she had taken. Due to positioning of cars and pumps, it really was obvious. Besides I had seen the crease of guilt in her eyes as we'd seen each other through our windows.

Bizarrely, instead of noting that I was correct and offering apology, her hot straining face contorted and she elected to hoist her fat arse onto bogus moral high ground and offer me verbal abuse instead.

She had a little boy with her. It was dressed very badly, I might add. Dressed like a prat. The child looked smug at his mother's apparent victory. Well, I didn't care that much about the situation. Such anger, self-righteousness and viciousness no doubt stems from and exacerbates the shittiness of her life. However, I did feel a stirring in my bowels at that moment and couldn't let such good fortune pass. So I farted on her kid.