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to live vicariously through myself.
I am not the type of girl that you should take home to your mother, but I am the type of girl who would take home your mother.
My name is H. you can use either the english (Aytch) or spanish (Achay) prononciation. I respond to both.
I love to travel, obviously, who else would be on this site? I've been to about 30 countries, I've lived in 5, and I've traveled by bicycle, motorcycle, hitchhiking, car, backpacking, you name it! I have couchsurfed and tentsurfed and sneaky camped in some interesting spots along the way!
I am an exotic dancer who mostly resides in New Orleans. If this offends you, or excites you, perhaps you should not stay with me. However, I know that a lot of people are curious about the industry, and I am pretty open about it, so feel free to ask questions that stem from genuine curiousity, NOT FROM sexual curiosity (i.e. can i get a private show? that will get you kicked out of my flat immediately) or from offensive stereotypes (i.e. assuming i have "daddy issues" or drug problems).
Hey! I posted this guide a few years ago, it is about 4 years old and i havent updated it , feel free to read through but, like i said, not everything is up to date. Ill get around to fixin it some day.
i live in NEW FUCKIN ORLEANS, the most badass crazy city on the face of this fuckin planet. here is a skeletal itinerary that i sent my friend of awesome shit to do that i may or may not edit in the future, laziness pending. So if you are visiting the big easy, FUCKIN READ THIS. you might actually get something out of it. or you can just stroll down bourbon st drinking a hand grenade like every other tourist douchebag. your choice.
****H's guide to how to truly live it up in the Big Easy:*****
first and foremost, da rulez--
1. DONT FUCK WITH THE LOCALS. we are tougher than you, guaranteed. and we all have eachothers backs. being a NOLA local is like being part of a really dysfunctional mafia. we dont always get along, but some motherfuckin tourist comes through our city and disrespects us, it aint gonna fly.
2. ALWAYS TIP YOUR BARTENDER MINIMUM OF 1 DOLLAR PER DRINK. new orleans is a service industry based city. i dont give a fuck if you are européan, australian, kiwi, ameircan, canadian, kenyan, cambodian, japanese, or uranus... you order a goddamn drink, you tip. if you cant afford to tip, dont order a goddamn drink. BARTENDERS MAKE LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE IN THE USA. also, if you tip, they WILL look after you. the same goes for waiters and strippers. tipping culture is king here.
3. Dont fuck the lovely ladies who hang out on Dauphine and later to migrate to Bourbon Street. they are not ladies and they will rob you.
4. When it turns to pimp and ho ´oclock on bourbon street, its probably best to get the hell outta dodge. go the fuck home if you cant handle yourself or head to one of the thousands of 24 hr bars that those of us who live here party at after work. the locals are more fun anyway.
5. watch yourself. nola is fun as fuck, but it is the murder capital of the states and ppl do regularly get mugged etc. dont wander by yourself at night and unless you know where you are going and are with a local, stay towards the river. if you are a chick, seriously, take a taxi. stumbling by yourself in yer little heels and party dress at 1am is not a good idea.
6. dont piss in public. number one reason why tourists get arrested. also, the house you are pissing on is someones doorstep and is a historical building with way more history and character than you. PEOPLE DO ACTUALLY LIVE IN THE FRENCH QUARTER. respect, yo.
7. Dont order no foofy ass drinks at local spots. local new orleanians drink beer, shots, simple drinks, bloody mary´s, and irish carbombs. if you walk into a local hangout and try to order some sorts purple pink tutu hurricane, the bartender will laugh at you and probably make your drink weak. if you must indulge in a hurricane, which i never fuckin drink, go to pat-os with the other idiots who wanna drink those.
8. have fun. this shouldnt be hard to do. celebrating life is the highest priority in this city.
ok, now that this is outta the way, itineraries and all that shit.
1. if you are willing to respect my aforementioned rules, visit THE ABBEY on 1123 decatur street sometime wednesday through saturday, 2am thru 10am and tell joe the bartender that his daughter says hi. this is my main local hang out and where i would go for a beer if i was only rockin a bathrobe. but please, if you are gonna be a douchebag and not tip, dont go there, yall just make me look bad.
2. get some motherfuckin food at coops place. they have a nola taster platter, its fuckin delicious. also, for 24 hour seated dining, i highly recommend Buffas on esplanade. And if you want an amazing fuckin sandwitch go to verti marte on royal and gov nicholls and get an all that jazz.
3. Get yer morning bloody marys at deja vu diner on conti and dauphine. they will rock your fuckin socks off.
4. get a picture with my old roommate, the guy on bourbon st in the sparkly gold bikini and a tutu. and get a shot with him at mollys on tolouse.
3. on sunday night head to the dragons den for a badass dubstep show full of a creepy amount of underage drinkers. make sure you id ppl before you stick yer dick into em though.
4. stay up alllllll night one night until 10am then head to THE COUNTRY CLUB in the bywater. this is a magical naked swimming pool with a full bar, awesome kitchen, hot tub, sauna, palm trees, and in general just magical goodness. literally this place has convinced 2 ppl i know to move to new orleans.
5. do some karaoke at kajuns pub on st claude. every night, its always a spectacle. also, the bloody marys thre during the daytime are pretty damn good.
6. on monday night head to BJs in the bywater. bettre than anything you will find on bourbon st, guaranteed.
7. Frenchman st-- any night, always wonderful, always 5 million live bands to see. spotted cat has no cover so i recommend it as a good place to start.
8. go get a frozen irish coffee at mollys at hte market. the bar is blindingly bright, but the irish coffees are pure magic. erin rose also sells the same coffees. Also, thursday night at molly's is dollar high life night (i.e. 2$ since you are being good people and tipping the bartender). EVERY NIGHT at molly's has 1$ Highlife at the BACK BAR. So if you are on a budget and want to drink some low quality american beer that tastes like piss, this is a good place to go.
9. 2$ tuesday at deja vu titty bar (separate from the diner) if you happen to need some tits in yo face and its tuesday.
10. go do your laundry while getting some live music and an irish car bomb at Checkpoint Charlies on decatur and esplanade.
11. if you must indulge in a daquiri, Jeans daquiris in the marigny is where its at.
12. brunchtastic!!!! if you are staying in the quarter and are feelin lazy, stanleys in jackson square has a badass brunch as well as some good people watching. now if you are willin to go a mile or two, elizebeths in the bywater is absolutely orgasmic. and right next to the country club. you also can get brunch at hte country club on sundays, which is not quite as good as at elizebeths but you can enjoy it while naked in the pool. absolute best brunch in da city is at Dante´s kitchen, way the fuck uptown but totally worth the hike. maybe ride that st charles streetcar you keep hearin bout and see some mansions on the way. oh, and if you head up there stop at audobon park and check out the tree of life.
13. enjoy a sunrise on the missisipi river. get a beer in a go-cup from one of the lower decatur bars (the abbey, tikis, etc) and walk 5 minutes to the river and sit on the rocks to watch a beautiful fuckin sunrise and pray for some boats to crash
14. if you wanna see some boy on boy scandalous shit-- corner pocket on burgundy is a spectacle. get some wang over yer beer. the rawhide and the phoenix are some unique leather bear bars that are def worth checkin out.
15. if you are in the mood for some very raunchy strip club action where you will be offered all sortsa fucked up services-- little darlings is like a rap video with busted up broads. highly entertaining, but watch yer shit because hte bitches will rob ya. also, big daddys is remarkably filthy and has a mattress on the stage. lipstixx has the best hot girl to cheap hooker ratio in the city. the other strip clubs range from classy to tame to dirty but unentertaining IMO.
16. on sundays track down a second line. important part of new orleans culture. follow a band, dance, drink, and in general be merry.
17. thursday-- 80s night at one eyed jacks is pretty fantastic.
18. track down a bounce show! nola is hte home of booty bounce, get in on it yo.
ok, there is more, but this is a good starting pt. notice how the ONLY thing i recommended on bourbon st is 2$ tuesday and a couple o fucked up titty bars? yea, because i fuckin live in nola and we have better places to go than b'st. see it once for the proper spectacle that it is then get the fuck out and see some real new orleans.
man, methinks im homesick.
Stupid questions will get stupid answers. It's so important to have principles.
Drink up, bitch.
Don't take life too seriously... you will miss out on all the good stuff!
Fuck waiting, good things come to those who seek them.
Never hold people to first impressions. Dont be to quick to judge. Dont limit yourself to one type of experience or group of people.
Step outside of your comfort zone... you will be glad you did
99 problems but a bitch aint one. if you havin girl problems i feel bad for you son.
Why I’m on Couchsurfing
HOW I PARTICIPATE IN COUCHSURFING
HEY! IM POSTING THIS STUPID LIST ON COUCHSURFING SO IF ANY OF YOUR PLANS OR LACK OF PLANS LINE UP WITH MINE, WE CAN MAKE SOME MAGIC HAPPEN. SO FOR PEOPLE WHO TRAVEL A FUCKIN LOT AND NEED BUDDIES TO DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, READ IT:
My Quarter Life Crisis list. I wrote this list on the plane from Bogota, and basically this is what I want to see happen over the next few years of my life. Some are specific, some will require help, and some are personal and all of it needs editing and will be subject to change and will definitely be added to. But, for those who care, this is a loose outline of my mid to late twenties:
-6 month motorcycle trip around India.
-Learn bicycle mechanics. Build a bicycle from scratch
-Learn motorcycle mechanics
-Hitchhike down through Mexico and Central America all the way to Panama. Motorcycle or bicycle is an ok substitute.
-Travel the continent of Africa either by a motorcycle or a bicycle or some combination of both. Find quality volunteer work along the way.
-Learn how to fly an airplane and get pilots license.
-Learn how to climb already. This is way overdue.
-Hitchhike through the Middle East. Super bonus if I can get through Iranian travel restrictions.
-Learn how to hang glide and/or ultra light.
-Learn how to sail and do a sizeable adventure by sail boat.
-Find a country where horse is still a viable method of transportation. Buy a pony and see said country (Mongolia or Burma maybe?)
-Perfect my Spanish and learn AT LEAST one more language. Bonus points if it is not a Latin or Germanic language.
-Find volunteer projects that really do make the world a better place and do what I can to help with 100% effort.
-Better my ability to fight. There are a lot of things worth defending and a lot of risks worth taking, best to be prepared.
-Live in a religious or spiritual community for at least a month with a completely open mind.
-Refresh my math skills. Do what I can to pass on these skills to those who may use them. I am forced to pay off my student loans, might as well not waste the money -Pay off my student loans. If I ever do live permanently in the States, this will be important.
-Find a viable way to make money while traveling. Not a lot, just enough to live (and pay student loans).
-Refresh MATLAB skills, learn another programming language besides java, and get into freelance programming.
-Start writing consistently. I was good at this once and won't be again unless I practice.
-Stop being wasteful. I was raised in a wasteful culture but I need to break the habit.
-Work harder to be healthy. A healthy mind starts with a healthy body. Plus I will need energy to do all that I want to. -Work in Australia. Take advantage of the holiday visa and make a lot of money to put away until I find an appropriate use for it.
-Become better read in political and historical matters. There is no excuse for certain holes in my knowledge aside from the fact that I am lazy (and maybe have done too many drugs.) I read enough fiction for pleasure. It's time to start reading to learn.
-Be more conscious of what I spend my money on and where it goes to. New Orleanians are better than most Americans at this (supporting local businesses that is, not spending responsibly), but I can do better.
-Stop looking the other way. I have had some people save me from some dire situations and when I have the opportunity, I need to do the same.
-Help strangers when I can. Many strangers have helped me and I owe the world quite a few favors.
-Don't fall into the trap of living an unsustainable lifestyle long term ever again, even if it is fun, comfortable, and familiar. If I am doing something consistently for a long term, it must be something sustainable that makes sense for the future. If it is unsustainable, it must be short term or to gain something that I can use later.
-Spend the majority of my time sober. A wild night or a wild week here and there is okay, but should be a celebratory OCCASION, not the norm.
-Don't allow myself to become completely jaded. Too many good experiences and too many bad experiences can leave one desensitized to life. Don't let this happen.
Mostly good times, a few bad apples here and there
visited 19 states (8.44%)Create your own visited map of The World or Free android travel guide
Ive surfed quite a bit and hosted even more. I think my CS karma is pretty good at this point.
math, travel (duh), all things new orleans, motorcycles, bicycles, dirty bars, bizarre places, crazy people, drinking, being ridiculous, and yer mom.
- mardi gras
- pub crawls
- volunteer work
- live music
- track and field
- super bowl
- emergency services
Music, Movies, and Books
Music: Metal is my number one... but I work in a strip club and have adapted to like almost all music. Except Nickleback. Bring Nickleback into my house and be prepared to sleep in the gutter.
Movies: I have severe ADD. Usually i cannot sit through movies. TV though: my favorite show is southpark, and a close second is arrested development. if you can appreciate any jokes related to these shows then you win some brownie points with me.
Books: I used to read a lot more. I love sci fi (Aasimov, orson scott card, ursula le guin). Also a huge fan of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. And my math textbooks, because im super cool like that.
One Amazing Thing I’ve Done
Hmm, some what comes to mind:
-Rode a bicycle from Tijuana to Panama. Started the trip alone, then in MX city i met my lovely husband, who bought a bike and rode from Chiapas-Panama city with me.
-Did an illegal border crossing between belize and guatemala that involved a horse taxi. Which, is not what you think it is. Ask me about it!
-I watched a crackhead try to glue in his teeth at my local bar at 8 am after a night of partying. literally the best thing i have ever seen at 8 in the morning.
-Almost got killed when passing a log truck on my motorcycle in Laos towards the end of a long ride trhough the mountains en route to Luang Probang. There was an oncoming bus and i had literally less than a foot of space on either side of my bike.
- Went skinny dipping on mushrooms in the seawall with strangers i met on a bus in vancouver. All of this on the US government's dime. Thank you Uncle Sam!
-Sold an 8,500$ champagne room where i spent the duration of the room beating the fuck out of the customer before mardi gras.
-Had a romantic valentine's day where a tranny spent her monthly income to have me dominate her and step on her testicles.
-Somehow graduated college early with a degree in math and a pretty damn good GPA.
- Rode an ultralight around burning man during sunrise while coming down off of some acid.
- Had a devils 3 way start in the back of my pedicab
- learned about the joys of police corruption and bribery in southeast asia
- Got an Iron Maiden tramp stamp when I was 17 years old and living in Argentina. I roll hardcore, brah.
- went on a 2 month bender and somehow didnt end up dead in a ditch
-learned to ride a motorcycle in vietnam and became a total boss and negotiating vietnemese traffic (if you have never seen vietnamese traffic, youtube that shit).
-climbed up an abandoned roller coaster at 6 flags, New Orleans, which was shut down by Hurricane Katrina.
-Bought a BMW with cash at the age of 21. Then sold it when i was 23 and realized i did not need/want a car while living in New Orleans. Still not sure which day made me happier and prouder.
- was in New Orleans when the Saints won the super bowl. Never have i seen so much positive energy in one location from so many people. Also, nobody got shot!
and the list goes on.
Im 24 now. I plan to make this list so much longer.
Teach, Learn, Share
I have nothing to teach. Im a terrible teacher. Im actually pretty much useless at everything.
Countries I’ve Visited
Argentina, Aruba, Belgium, Belize, Cambodia, Canada, China, Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, El Salvador, France, Guatemala, Honduras, Italy, Kenya, Laos, Malaysia, Mexico, Netherlands, Nicaragua, Peru, Thailand, Turkey, United Kingdom, United States, Viet Nam
Countries I’ve Lived In
Argentina, Mexico, Peru, Turkey, United States